This comes from a posted assignment, for the CELBANPrep Writing Level Two How would you correct it?
On July 19th at 20:30H, at St. Matthews Hospital, Kim Sapno, 14 year old girl admitted in emergency room accompanied by her mother. She had a complained of right lower abdominal pain.
Try rewriting these sentences before you click on read more to see some of my suggestions. Which do you prefer and why?
Did you identify the over use of commas? What about the collocation error?
Here are my suggestions:
- On July 19th at 20:30H at St. Matthews Hospital, a 14 year old girl was admitted to ER accompanied by her mother. Kim Sapno had a chief complaint of lower abdominal pain.
- On July 19th at 20:30H at St. Matthews Hospital a 14 year old girl, Kim Sapno, was admitted to ER. Patient was accompanied by her mother. Her chief complaint was pain in her lower right abdomen.
- On July 19th at 20:30H at St. Matthews Hospital, a 14 year old girl named Kim Sapno was admitted to ER by her mother. She complained of pain in her lower right abdomen.
- Accompanied by her mother, Kim Sapno was admitted to the ER at St. Matthews Hospital on July 19th at 20:30H. Kim is 14 years old with a chief complaint of pain in the lower right quadrant of her abdomen.
Note the medical collocation, medical vocabulary, “chief complaint” used as a noun and “complained” used as a verb.
Which do you prefer and why?
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